Thursday, June 7, 2012

Jane Cheney

Jane Cheney wears contacts and likes to read a lot.

Jane Cheney reads a blog about severe thunderstorms before going to bed.
Jane Cheney is hoping to influence her dreams by doing this.
Jane Cheney wants to imagine herself in the most tenacious of squalls.
Jane Cheney wants to wake up feeling relieved that the weather outside is actually quite palatable.
Jane Cheney has an imagination that surpasses most of her peers.
Jane Cheney has very few friends.
Jane Cheney's mother and father expect their daughter to be successful.
Jane Cheney's mother insists she take clarinet lessons, despite Jane Cheney's desire to switch to viola.
Jane Cheney owns a dog named Barker.
Jane Cheney still sleeps with stuffed animals on her bed, though she is 15 years old.
Jane Cheney doesn't really like any music.
Jane Cheney's wardrobe consists mostly of smaller blue clothes with a little bit of larger black ones.
Jane Cheney will not be killed by a drunk driver before she turns 25.
Jane Cheney convinced her English teacher that she had to go to the bathroom, though really she only wanted to use the drinking fountain.
This was the wildest thing Jane Cheney had ever done.

Except for when Jane Cheney dreams, and flies about those raging thunderstorms.

--Eliot Sill

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Nick - Jackie Chan Adventures

So right now I'm watching the children's cartoon Jackie Chan Adventures, which I haven't seen since I was a kid. There are many reasons that this is the best show.

1. It's silly

Jackie Chan, the main character of the show is way whiter than the real Jackie Chan. He is also not voiced by the real Jackie Chan, making the entire connection to Jackie Chan tenuous. Luckily this disconnect allows him to do things that no human could actually do, such as jumping across the roofs of buildings while keeping pace with a car on the highway.

2. It's hilariously stereotypical

Jackie's uncle, appropriately named "Uncle," is a stereotypical Asian old guy. His catchphrase, "one more thing," is highly quotable. He also has a sassy niece from China. All of the artifacts that the show centers around are based on some vague, unspecified Asian culture.

3. The villains are dumb

The villains in this show don't stand a chance. They don't stand a chance and they know they don't stand a chance. They always attack and then Jackie Chan starts kicking their ass and then they give up and run away.

4. This song.

To play us out...