The author, 19, and his then-17-year-old brother fighting,
but only because they don't know if they remember how to hug.
by Mr. Brendan Cavanagh
Being the elder brother to triplets a mere year and a half younger than me, I have had to make extensive strides over the years to ensure that my superiority is always acknowledged and respected. Often this can be tough, especially since I've gone away to school for the past year and a half and therefore must exert my influence across state boundaries and time zones. But! If you adhere to the methods presented in the following list (snippets from my upcoming memoir), and you're the eldest sibling in your family (sorry only children, maybe later!), you TOO can reap the fruits of your deserved birthright. Primogeniture, baby.
Chapter 5. When you find yourself in a situation in which you and one of your younger siblings are arguing over who has the right to something- let's say the choice of which channel to watch- simply declare that it's your right to choose, and then patronize them to death by excessively repeating things like, "I know it sucks- it really does! I mean, if I were in your position, I would be upset, too." Speak with the most dryly sarcastic-come-empathetic tone. Trust me, it pisses them off to great lengths. They will become wildly irritated and will quickly give in because of what an utter asshole you are, usually evidenced by a snot-and-tears response of unintended exasperation much like, "Godyouresuchafrgggndick!" before they storm off to another room. This is an easy tactic to employ if you are the most selfish person you know.
Chapter 22. If ever engaged in any sort of physical, hand-to-hand combat with a sibling (hopefully one of the same sex and near your age), whether malicious or facetious, I find that the best defense mechanism and catalyst for victory is the Ultimate Punch, which I borrowed from the movie Hot Rod. As the below video points out, you must first cock back both arms, then propel them forward with fists clenched so as to double punch your opponent's torso, while simultaneously bringing a single leg up swiftly to land a crushing blow to the pelvis. Don't get the impression that this move can inflict any actual pain; no, rather, it is used as a diversionary measure which results in your opponent falling backwards into the nearest piece of furniture as they laugh hysterically at your pathetic attempt to combat them. As they laugh in oblivious indignation, pounce on them and pin them to the ground for three seconds, or give them noogies until they call "uncle," or whatever you must do to have your sibling concede defeat. Therefore, you win the fair fight without actually harming your sibling, unless they wet themselves laughing at how redonkulous the Ultimate Punch looks.
Don't be fooled! Your sibling will never see it coming...
Chapter 30. Want to sit shotgun in the car? I wish I had an easy solution to this one. Get there first. Or call "Shotgun no rocks" or whatever phrase is appropriate. In this case, if you snooze, you lose.
Chapter 31. If you want to have any chance of beating your siblings in James Bond 007 multiplayer video games, you have to be Player One on the console. Now, there are a couple ways of securing the first pole position. One way is by asking (nay! demanding) your sibling to grab you a drink from the kitchen while you steal away into the living room and grab the first controller before they can get their plebian paws on it. Or, if by some chance your sibling gets the first controller before you, all you have to do is pretend to check the integrity of the disc or the console while surreptitiously switching the first and second controller plug-ins. OR, if your sibling decides to throw a fit because they, too, want to be Player One (but if you incorporate my methods in your familial rapport, then they shouldn't speak out all too often), then refer back to Chapter 5, and patronize them until their face melts in reluctant, but understanding subservience.
Chapter 35. If things are getting a little slow, and you're worried that your siblings are starting to deem themselves about equal to you, find a food item of theirs that they've been saving to enjoy later, and eat it. This can be a Hershey's bar hidden on the top shelf of the unspoken candy cabinet, or leftover tacos from Xochimilco buried in a box behind several boxes of juice on the bottom shelf of the fridge. Then blame it on Dad. Foolproof.
For more tips on how to train your younger siblings, feel free to contact me! I'm always willing to come to the aid of a first-born.