Don't worry. This post isn't about books. That's Brendan's thing. This is about something much, much cooler. VIDEO GAMES.Video games are sexy as hell. I adore them. They are always there for you. When your friends are assholes and they have class or homework or "other plans", video games have your back. They say, "Don't be sad, Brian. We'll cheer you up with hours of mind numbing action and story!" And I say, "Fuck yes, video games! Which one of you wants to be my bitch tonight?" And of course all of them are always willing, because I'm a baller like that. But I have standards. So I insist upon choosing the best.
Let's go ahead and define "the best". There are basically two types of video games to me: old school (CLASSIC) and modern (Warfare 2). Here are the standards by which I judge my audio-visual friends.
1. Look good. I'm shallow.
2. Sound sexy. If I don't like what I hear when you open your mouth, I'm walking away. Don't be whiny and annoyingly repetitive.
3. Have an intriguing story to tell me. I've heard so many stories that at this point, I bore easily. Throw me a plot twist. Interest me, forcryinoutloud!
4. Be consistent. I hate when bitches say one thing at one point in the story, and then just change their minds later and decide something else would work better. Sorry, it's kinda too late.
5. Make sure the gameplay is good. If you don't give me good controls, it's just frustrating. I don't care how hot you are or how fascinating your story was, if you aren't DTF and ready to amaze me with your moves by the time we get back to the bedroom, I'm making you find somewhere else to sleep tonight. Bitch.
6. For all of us who have played games, we know the ending is important. This whole song and dance has been crescendoing up to this one point, this one convergence of the fates. Make my climax feel awesome.
Now I know that the older bitches don't have as much visual appeal as the younger ones, but I forgive them for that, as long as they don't look like complete dog shit. They're old. They looked spectacular in their prime. And they're so knowledgable. They have many stories to tell me about the past. The young ladies have a more obvious appeal, with their stunning good looks and smooth movements. They still weave a good yarn, but most of their stories have already been told.
The above picture is conflicted as to its category, like a water polo player with a good attitude (Jon D.), a bro who hates Natty Light (not sure if these exist in real life...), or a vampire who loves to sunbathe (dead). The Playstation games are screaming nostalgia with their square, easy to break cases and simple but sexy cover art. The PS3 games are all like, "Look at me! I'm so hip and modern with my unusually sized cases and my promises of amazing graphic orgies!" And then there are the PS2 games who, while being a solid middle ground, are not as nostalgic as playstation but not as flashy as PS3. And they're like, "C'mon guys...really? Do we have to fight about this every time we hang out? We're all cool and have our different appeals. Why can't we just get along? We obviously love each other because we spend so much time together."
So I've already shown you a picture of my collection of modern games. It's pretty small. There are like 9 PS3 games. I'm ashamed, but what can I say? I'm not exactly rollin' in the dough, and I had to leave my Wii at home because technically it was my mom's birthday present or something ridiculous like that. However, my collection of old school is muuuuch more extensive, because hey! I'm a classic dude. I have a big box of NES games under my bed. There's am N64 on my shelf sitting next to all the N64, SNES, and Sega games I have. Under that is my NES, which has a Sega resting on top of it's cute little head. Now I'd take a picture of this shelf and post it on here like I did for the Playstation games, but my SNES is currently missing from its spot to the left of the NES (it's in Eliot's room because I'm a negligent father to it as it well knows by now), and I just wouldn't feel right leaving it out like that.
I'm gonna take this opportunity to list some of my favorite games ever just off the top of my head, not necessarily in this order.
1. The Legend of Zelda (NES) - Don't even fuck around with this game. It's undeniably one of the most groundbreaking and entertaining games EVER.
2. Anything with the name Final Fantasy in the title besides FFX-2 (PS, PS2, PS3) - OMGWTFORGASM
3. Fallout 3 (PS3) - This game is about as open as your mom. You can do just about anything in here and the game is alright with that. I love how many hours of fun I can get out of this game without progressing anywhere story-wise.
4. Devil May Cry 3 (PS2) - I am in awe of you. You make being a badass douche look so appealing. The way Dante throws down with demons is just hott.
5. Donkey Kong Country (SNES) - I remember this from my childhood as the one video game I ever played with my mom. I think she was almost as into it as I was. And what's not to love? You get to jump around and go apeshit on everybody and just have your way with the entire jungle. (Dear God I made that pun unintentionally. Fuck you Eliot, what have you made me?)
6. Super Mario EVERYTHING (Nintendo) - Super Mario Bros., Super Mario Bros. 3, Super Mario World , Super Mario 64, Super Mario Galaxy, Super Mario Sports...etc. This is the most versatile badass plumber you will ever see.
7. Ocarina of Time (N64) - This is one of the few games I've ever played through completely and thoroughly multiple times. I enjoyed every single second of it, from throwing Cuccos around to make the bitch of a chicken lady happy again to kicking Ganondorf's ugly ass.
8. Starfox 64 (N64) - Despite how fucking annoying Slippy is ALL THE TIME, this game is one of the most awesome flying shoot 'em ups ever.
9. Pokemon Stadium (N64) - This game is so hilarious to play with friends. I've never not had fun kicking people's asses at this game. I remain undefeated. Challenge me if you dare.
10. Lord of the Rings (PS2, PS3) - I really enjoy all of these games, because they're just fun mindless violence with that system of becoming more powerful as you go that I love.
11. Modern Warfare 2 (PS3) - This game is just a better version of its older brother. It does everything better and its system of challenges, callsigns, emblems, and prestiges is more addicting to me than hard drugs.
12. Super Smash Bros. Brawl (Wii) - Some people think melee is better. I can see where they're coming from, sort of. But I disagree. This game is so fun to play when you're bored with friends. I suck at it but getting my ass kicked has never been more enjoyable.
There are so many more games that I love and could classify as favorites, but this post will never end if I keep trying to think of more, so I'll stop here.
Anyway, that's pretty much the end of my shpeel. If any of you guys wanna come hang out with me and the bitches, let me know. You're welcome pretty much any time, depending on how much I like you. But chances are, if you're reading this, you're probably pretty cool. And you're also probably pretty bored, so there ya go. I just fixed that problem for you twofold.
Oh yeah. All my games are alphabetized. I'm THAT hardcore.