Thursday, July 22, 2010

If You Enjoy Sex, You'll Enjoy This Blog

Sadly I'm not here to write about sex. I'm here to rant about insignificant things you probably won't care to read about, or even skim. Now that's fucking cold. Because everything written deserves at least a skim. Hell, I skimmed through every book high school put in front of me. Some were good, so I actually read those, but others, well, they just weren't (I'm talking to you Jane Eyre). I mean, COME ON Charlotte Bronte. A 400-something page novel about a damn nanny? And a boring one at that? I hope hell is treating you nicely for the torture you've provided us students of the modern day world. Bitch. And Nathaniel Hawthorne... What the fuck was The Scarlet Letter? Hm? HM? I mean, I love old literature, but you described everything in SO much damn depth. Like, down to the molecule. And you know what, Mr. Hawthorne? No one fucking cares, just tell the story and move on. It's like, if I wrote a story and described a snowflake, a little piece of snow, but spent 6 paragraphs on it, describing the shape and color and consistency and its aerodynamic properties. Don't even lie to me, you would be BORED TO DEATH. I think he made that to be a test; some will-power kind of shit. The stuff no one passes because we all are to sane to drive ourselves insane.

On the other hand, there were the books worth reading. And I mean, really fucking worth it. Example one: Fahrenheit 451. That was a spectacular novel. Short, to the point, with a great story. Or Brave New World, which was astounding. Very imaginative and futuristic. A great piece of literature. Then of course, who could forget The Great Gatsby, a true, genuine love story depicting the greatest period of American living there ever was: the 1920's.

Sadly though, we were always stuck with the shitty ones too, and I did leave out some of the greats, but we all remember them. Now, while you skim this, or read it, or ignore it in general, I'm going to go do something more important than type. Like, donate to charity, or kill someone on the FBI's top 10 list. Hell, maybe I'll start a religion. I hear sex is fun, maybe I'll go buy some of that. And meth. So, until next week, this has been Doctor Strange; signing off.


Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Things that make me go bump in the night.

So guys, what have you done with your last week?

I have lost my wallet, beaten Final Fantasy XIII, worked way too much, gone camping, seen Band Practice in concert, written a will on behalf of my '95 pimp van, and seen Inception twice.

Losing my wallet sucked ass tits. Beating Final Fantasy was great, working was a worthy investment (so I'd like to think), going camping was awe inspiring, seeing Band Practice was really cool, learning of the van's impending doom was, well, expected. But man... seeing Inception gave me what I like to call a "nerd boner".

I have seen five Christopher Nolan films. All of which have stuck with me due to the impressive (and impressively consistently impressive) storytelling. Always do I leave the movie wanting to turn around and go watch it again. Oftentimes I do, as was the case with Inception. Memento, The Prestige, Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, and Inception all rank in my top twenty favorite movies. That's pretty ridiculous. One director can claim a fourth of my favorites to his name (not that he'd care to). Each of those movies contains ridiculous depth and all of them are prone to plotholes due to their complexity, but you would strain yourself coming up with any harshly significant ones. The man should really collaborate with Disney Pixar, seeing as how both entities seemingly can do no wrong.

Anyway, back to my raging nerd boner. Seeing movies like this gives me the uncontrollable urge to dissect the film and truly understand it for everything the director wants the movie to be understood for. Hence I saw The Dark Knight six times in theatres. It inspired me to watch three seasons of Batman: The Animated Series and was the reason I grew my hair out two months longer than I wanted to just so I could pull off a killer Joker for Halloween. I delve into the mythology of these amazing stories, pore over the internet for tidbits of info on who will be playing The Riddler in Batman 3, see other people's theories on the ending to Inception. When something so anticipated and something you are so interested in is done so well, it transcends the label of being a "great movie" and reaches beyond the love you had for it going into the production. The Dark Knight is a movie I love and cherish due to its brilliance in bringing to life a story that graphic novels can take only so far. My imagination runs rampant with ideas and stories that would be portrayed if Heath Ledger's dumbass wouldn't have OD'ed after giving his best on-screen performance ever (and that dude played a gay guy! a gay cowboy no less! that shit is hard to do!). Hey, there's still hope Heath faked his death and that The Joker will be back in Batman 3. Leave it to Nolan to stage the greatest subterfuge in the history of mankind, right? Right? ....sigh..... if only.

Finding flaws in Chris Nolan movies is like bitching about the one thing your parents didn't get you for Christmas. However, in the case of Inception, Rotten Tomatoes has found plenty of gripers to showcase the neediness of American movie-goers. If you read into the negative commentary most of it is either ignorant people who didn't care enough to actually invest themselves into understanding the movie or ignorant people who didn't like it because it was weird and different. This movie offers so much it serves up a brand new never before thought of concept, exhilarating and epic action sequences, engaging and dynamic characters, and about six layers of thickening plot on a two and a half hour long platter. I won't ask for anything more, except maybe a ticket to the next available showing. (Oh and here's some related reading if you thought the Inception critics were laughably unreasonable. The funny thing is, look at how smart most of these people try to sound just because they need you to believe they're smarter than you for their opinion against conventional wisdom to hold any ground)

Chris Nolan, the man who knows how to make movies better than you do, is working on a story for Batman 3. Two years from now, that movie will have been out for a day (I will probably be on viewing number 3). Fact is, Inception serves as proof to me that the man can and will do no wrong. He can take something, make it up, and then do it to perfection the first time. He is brainstorming a mind blowing movie right now and for that I thank him. Until that day two years from now, I will be anticipating, keeping busy, watching less significant big screen releases, re-watching old Nolan masterpieces, and waiting patiently as the movie of my dreams comes together like a symphony under the conducting of the one man who I'd trust with my life to do it beautifully.

Guys, I really like Christopher Nolan.

--Eliot Sill

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Blogs are for queers

Here's a list of things to do instead of reading/writing blogs

1. Play disc Golf
2. Go to Sno-bizz
3. Play four square
4. Bake things
5. Play an instrument
6. Read (ahhh just kidding)
7. Drive to haunted places in the middle of the night with your friends
8. Drive to Champaign in the middle of the morning with your friends
9. Ride your bike
10. Walk somewhere far, it makes you feel awesome
11. Make a list
12. Go dorm shopping (not in college? then fuck you)
13. Try your hand at painting
14. Go mini-golfing
15. Get arrested
16. Mow the lawn, we know it needs it
17. Build a bookshelf
18. See a theater production
19. Get a boyfriend/girlfriend
20. Visit our lovely downtown

Now go out there and have a great time!


Nick - I Can Overthink Anything

We've all heard the question, I'm sure.

"If you could have any superpower, what would it be?"

The answer, for me anyway, has always been,

"Oh, that's a tough question. Let me think about it a little bit. It would be kind of nice to fly(?)"

But I'm an idiot, and if I could fly somebody would probably dissect me or shoot me down out of a controlled airspace or I would choke on a bird and die. Let's give this question a little more thought, shall we?

The most common answers to the superhero question are often the ones that bring some kind of awesome factor. Things like invisibility, flight, teleportation, and the like. But what we often fail to realize is that, while those things sound really cool to have, they almost certainly wouldn't be worth it.

It's easy to say that you want to be able to fly, but you would inevitably die a tragic death, or at very least be thought of by your friends and society as somewhat of a freak. Being able to turn invisible would make you extremely suspicious to those around you; who wants to be friends with the world's best spy? It would only be a matter of time before everyone you know stopped liking you after you scare the pants off of them a couple of times. Super strength would result in being some kind of biological marvel, and, like most other classic superpowers, would probably lead to your dissection, plus you would also get banned from playing sports.

The problem with all of these powers is that they come with a huge lifestyle change. You can't live the same once you can turn invisible or teleport or whatever. The best kind of superpower would be one that can maximize the return you get from your current lifestyle. Allow me to suggest a few:

Almost being able to see into the future:
Imagine that you're out with your friends very late even though you have work in the morning. One of your friends asks if you plan on going home or if you want to stay and go to Denny's with them. You decide to accompany them, and suddenly you have a vision of yourself at work the next day getting fired because you came to work so sleep deprived. Simply let your friends know you changed your mind and go home. Bam! Problem solved. The ability to foresee bad events and how to change them without the hassle of an overwhelming amount of knowledge of the future.

Being abnormally charismatic:
Imagine a world where everyone likes you, immediately. The cute girl in your group of friends, the professor in that one class you aren't very good at, that one guy who is super cool and throws a lot of fun parties. But I don't mean that they like you in a weird, uncomfortable way where you get way too much attention all the time. I just mean that they think of you favorably, and will probably continue to do so even if you are late to your date or forget you were supposed to return their Jude CD.

The ability to articulate everything perfectly:
Never having to search for the right word or think about how to phrase something would be an awesome power. Everything would come out just as clearly as you were thinking it in your head. The ability to make people understand exactly what you mean, and looking smart and smooth in the process.

Immunity from physical uncomfortableness:
I hate that feeling where you're getting over a cold but there's still that thing in the back of your throat that makes eating unpleasant. The few moments of sheer agony when you hit your head while getting out of your car. The mosquito bite that's really bothering you. Imagine all of the stuff you would simply rather not feel. While total immunity to pain would undoubtedly come to stab you in the back, there's nothing wrong with ridding yourself of discomfort.

I encourage all of you to think of some awesome and unusual superpowers of your own. Think about the stuff you would use often that wouldn't make your life more difficult: while it seems like it would be fun to read minds, it would actually be way cooler and more convenient to just be super charismatic. There are a lot of other interesting ideas that I haven't thought of yet, I'm sure. Though you'll be hard-pressed to top my hypothetical powers; I have the ability to overthink absolutely anything.


Sunday, July 18, 2010


The enemy

I hate them. Shirts are inhibitors of bodily expression. Shirts are the enemy of love and abdominal and pectoral sexiness. Shirts are defenders of all that is evil, and they must be destroyed.

The solution

I am currently and forever ashamed of the following paragraph. Ben Shane has been a member of the Improv troupe for about a year now, and he's been a member of the Shirtless Squad for about a month. He and his non-improv friend Silas Capranica took a liking to button up shirts with no undershirts, and most importantly no buttons. For all but one of the days of this approximate month I, along with the rest of the troupe, have been strongly disapproving of this naked endeavor. It often escalated to us demanding that he button his shirt (see above) or else he couldn't do any improv. HOW WRONG WE WERE.

Today was Half-Shirt Sunday, where me and Nick Dietrich and (if he weren't such a bitch) Eliot Sill put on our best ironic Ben impressions and came with chests a-bursting. And what a day it was. I started off the day walking into the Hoogland Center with Nick, where I remarked how awkward and uncomfortable my appearance was. I could barely stand to be seen in public. By the end of the night I was going out of my way to keep as many shirts not on my body as possible. I eventually succeeded in not wearing all shirts.

You see, I realized that shirtlessness is a right of passage, not into manhood, but into freedom. And sexhood, if your thorax and abdomen are busting far enough ( :[ ours aren't). There's no feeling in the world like an open chest billowing in the low breeze and discomforted surrounding strangers. Especially when you're wearing a pair of black aviators to show them all how mysterious you are. It is total independence from caring what the shit everyone thinks about your wildly arrogant appearance. It is happiness.

For all those considering embracing the world with an open shirt, I encourage you wholeheartedly to strip away your inhibitions and discover a whole new life of uncontrollable self-centeredness. Go ahead. Get a feel for yourself.