OK so I've got something very important to talk about with you. This is something I've been thinking about for many years. I'm gonna ask you a question. Who's the best comic book supervillain? No don't stop reading, for real. This is important shit. Think of the most badass supervillain you know right now.
Did you say The Joker?
Wow what a boring fucking answer. Hey by the way, you wanna go jack off to pictures of Christopher Nolan later?
The REAL greatest supervillain ever is GALACTUS, THE DEVOURER OF WORLDS!!!!!!!!!!!
OH SHIT YEAH
Galactus is pretty much the coolest bad guy that anyone has ever thought of. Galactus is not from Earth, because Earth is too stupid and too dumb for Galactus. Galactus is from a planet called Taa, which sorta sounds like the sound I make when I stub my toe. Like, Taa! I stubbed my toe. Anyway.
He's got the power of a god and he's like a billion feet tall or something. Basically what he does all day is fly around the universe being an asshole because he doesn't give a fuck, and oh yeah, he eats planets.
Yeah that's right, this motherfucker eats planets. His last name The Devourer Of Worlds. Like, Meh, I'm hungry, I'm gonna eat Jupiter. NOM. I just ate Jupiter. It was fucking delicious. What did you eat for breakfast this morning? Raisin Bran? Oh that's cool, Galactus ate a celestial body that weighed 6 sextillion tons. See? He's already cooler than you.
They see me rollin
So basically in the comic books, Galactus will come down to Earth every once and a while and descend onto New York City. I feel like whenever there's some giant monstrosity coming to destroy Earth they always land in New York City. Then again, Cloverfield would have sucked if it took place in Wyoming and most of the action was just a couple people running across a field of grass. You know what movie I haven't seen in a long time? Cloverfield. I like that movie.
So Galactus comes down to Earth or whatever, and like all these storm clouds gather, and he's all like, "GREETINGS EARTH, I WILL EAT YOU" or whatever. He speaks English by the way, figure that one out. As soon as everyone sees Galactus, they shit their pants. Even the mighty Thor, the goddamn god of thunder. Because they know they are B'd in the B. Boned in the butt. Hard. I mean, what they gonna do? Usually superheroes just punch their problems (see here) but they can't really punch a dude who is the size of a really really big thing.
Pretty much the only way to beat Galactus is to somehow beg for mercy like a fucking pussy. Like one time Norrin Rad promised to become his bitch sidekick if he spared his planet. Galactus still wins even when he loses. What a supreme badass.
I haven't even mentioned what I like the most about Galactus though. Have you seen what this dude is wearing? Look at his outfit.
Sexy
It's like some kind of...purple and blue...robotic...bunny armor? With a skirt? I don't know, but he looks ridiculous. He looks like he lost a bet.
Why is this my favorite part? Because he has unlimited power, he eats planets, he's probably punched God in the face, and he chooses to wear that. How embarrassing is it to have armageddon brought about by the Fabulous Mr. Fabulous up there? It's almost like he's daring you to make fun of him. Like, go ahead punk. Make fun of this outfit. You are my brunch. I will turn you and everything under your sun into shit. Woah.
I've never seen The Fantastic Four: The Rise Of The Silver Surfer for a multitude of reasons, the main one being I don't like to watch movies that are bad. Apparently Galactus is in that movie though. But they FUCKED UP. They scrapped his awesome purple suit and made him a giant cloud monster or something? And fire?
This is supposed to be Galactus I think
Wow, someone totally missed the point. That'd be like if somebody wanted to make a Superman movie, but he couldn't fly, he didn't wear his suit, and he fights a giant spider in the third act. OH WAIT THAT MOVIE WAS ALMOST MADE BACK IN 1997. FUCK ME.
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