It was December 21st, 2009, very cold, and very dry for the amount of cluttered moisture which was on the ground. Amy and I were lying on top of my black 1998 Ford Escort, conversing while staring into the large dark face of space.
Amy looked over to me and softly asked "Sam, do you believe there is a God?" Much to my surprise, she was one hundred percent serious. Her eyes focused in on mine while she bit her bottom lip and awaited my answer. I thought hard, but I couldn't seem to formulate an answer. I felt pressured; maybe this was a test to see if we were right for one another. So instead of answering, I returned her gaze, and shrugged my shoulders casually.
Honestly, I couldn't grasp my mind around the idea of a "higher being." It just didn't make any sense to me. I could tell by the look on her face that Amy had something to say on the topic, so I turned to face her.
"I think that there is," Amy said, "because if there wasn't, then how would we exist?"
I shrugged again and then hopped down of the top of the car. I opened the driver side door and reached in to grab my iPod. I put on a song by The Smiths and then shut the door and rejoined Amy. She looked cold, so I took my overcoat and put it over her. Her eyes closed as she drifted into a state of comfort. I put my arm over her and we got real close together.
It started to snow, but I was unable to get up. The moment, just lying here on a car in the middle of nowhere with this girl, was too perfect to be interrupted by fucking snow. But I did feel myself growing a bit tired, so I decided that I would rest my eyes a bit.
They wouldn't open back up.
When they finally did, I found myself alone. Amy was nowhere in sight, just a large mound of snow in her place. I panicked and fell off the car (my ass hurt pretty bad). Where had Amy gone? I yelled her name as loud as I could, but to no avail. Then, I saw footprints leading from the car into a small forest. The forest was about a mile off, so I began my journey into the oblivion ahead.
My feet began to ache, and after only ten or twenty feet. The snow had penetrated my shoes and stabbed my toes a thousand times. The pain shot through my nerves like a bullet train, reaching every inch of my body instantly. My breath was growing faint, and I could feel the veins in my head pulsing, straining themselves to keep me going. My eyelids again became heavy and I fell to my knees in exhaustion. Tears ran from my face and froze on my cheek.
Amy had to be dead. It was too cold for her to have made it in what she had on. She even left my overcoat on the car.
I thought back to earlier in that day, in the afternoon. We had decided to start dating, to much surprise. We'd practically been dating for 4 years, we just never made it official. And once we did, things changed a bit. I had to call her my girlfriend, and not Amy. I had to buy her gifts, and take her on dates. It was strange. Sure, it made it more proper for us to fuck and be dating and not just fuck, but who cares about proper nowadays? I just wanted things to stay the same. But already in one day they had become different. She wasn't worried about where we would have sex tonight, she was worried about whether or not I believed in God; and truth be told, I don't. But she does, so I can't just write it off as I don't because now I'm in a position where I can seriously screw myself over.
Although if she's dead, what does it matter?
I picked myself up, sluggishly but with a certain boldness, and I stared up at the night sky once again. I took a deep breath, and I said in avery indoorsy voice, "I do not believe in God."
Then I was back, lying next to Amy, looking straight at her as she began to smile a little bit, blushing softly.
"Well, my little rebel," she said.
All along, had I been imagining things? I thought maybe I was going insane. Time and space were flowing through my fingers like water.
"You're not mad?" I asked.
"Hey man, to each his own, right?" Then she kissed me.
We lied a bit longer, just looking at one another, smiling and sharing this warm loving feeling with one another. She put her hand on my cheek and began rubbing the small amount of facial hair I had. She moved closer to embrace me, and just as I closed my eyes, they opened again to reveal a hospital room.
I fumbled around a bit, looking in every direction, completely baffled by what was happening. My mom was sitting next to the bed and she calmed me down a bit.
"Mom, what's going on?"
"Oh dear. You don't remember anything?"
"No, what's happened?"
"You were out with Amy, and it was snowing heavily. When you were driving her home - or at least they think you were driving her home - you slid off the edge of a hill and your car rolled sixteen times. Amy was thrown out of the car and you were thrown around inside the car. She died after her head smacked the ice, but you made it out alive. Unfortunately though, they said you wouldn't be able to remember anything from the accident."
"How long have I been in here?"
"It's been about twelve hours, Sam."
So that was it. I killed my girlfriend on the first day she was my girlfriend. My eyes filled up with tears and I started cussing really loud, saying 'Fuck you' to every single God that existed. Sure, it was immature of me, but I was in more pain than I'd ever been in.
Since then, I've changed. I started attending church every Sunday. The funny thing is, I'm still an atheist. I just know how much Amy loved going to church. So I do it for her. Maybe one day my eyes will open again and I'll be back on top of my car, lying next to her, listening to The Smiths and enjoying time being frozen like the water on the ground as we looked into each other's eyes.
Thanks for reading!,
-Cory
Who the fuck is Jesus? Who the fuck are you?
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